Grief

Different people express their grief over loss in different ways. Some people openly weep, others lock theirs deep inside. Some people reach out to others, some feel like disappearing from the world. Some cry months later, some get their all out in one shot. I don't think there is any right or wrong way to grieve but I think it needs to be done.

To be honest, I am not sure I have properly dealt with my grief. I have been too busy being a teacher and raising my daughter while dealing with my health. I am going to take some time now to self-reflect.

My pregnancy was an emotional roller-coaster in and of itself. My daughter, I'll call her Bean, is amazing. People had been asking us when we were going to have another one for awhile. My response was usually, "When we win the lottery." Our house is a two bedroom incomplete reno job and I have been struggling to get a full-time gig so there was no plan to have another baby any time soon.

I was genuinely surprised to discover I was pregnant, even though I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. I know my body well. I was exhausted. I was lactating and I haven't nursed my daughter since May. However, I kept telling myself it was all in my head, that I was jealous because a family member who has a son the same age as my daughter announced her pregnancy over Thanksgiving, and that if I take a test, it will be like most of the other tests, I have taken when my period is late, and be negative and my period will come.

I nearly died when the pregnant line showed up, bright and thick, way before and way darker than the control line. I didn't know what we were going to do. I wasn't ready for another baby. I was in shock. DH took it really well. He calmed me down. Over time I started to get excited but every time I looked at my house, I kept thinking, "Where am I going to put this baby?" I feel terribly guilty about these thoughts now.

I called my doctor. It would be three weeks before I would get into see her to "confirm my pregnancy." However, pretty much the morning after I took the test, I started to look pregnant. Every morning I woke up after, I looked more pregnant than I did the night before. I told my husband there was no way I was keeping this baby a secret until Christmas. My body was going to give up my secret way before then. I had on maternity pants pretty much right away. My sister came to visit and we joked about how many where in there and I hope it isn't a tumour. Ahhh, the irony.

Even though my belly was growing and I felt pregnant, there was part of me that just wouldn't let me bond with this baby. I knew something was wrong and could not wait for my appointment. I would practice what I was going to say to my doctor so I could get an early ultrasound. (The province I am in, you only get one ultrasound at 20 weeks unless you are high risk or have no idea how pregnant you are)

Thursday, Nov. 14, I finally got to see Dr. C. She was alarmed by my size and told me I had a 15 week uterus. We played with the wheel and figured I must be more pregnant than the 7-8 weeks I thought I was. We listened for a heart beat. Dr. C thought she heard one, quite high and on the right, but it seemed too slow and nonrhythmic to me, compared to Bean's heart beat. She told me she figured I was 11 weeks with twins and ordered an ultrasound.

Once again, hit with shock. I told DH and we were really excited and terrified. We told our families. I started talking to my babies and fell in love with them since I figured I was close enough to the safe zone at 11 weeks.

However, I would lose them the very next night.

My knowledge of my pregnancy was short. I see now that it was just a little over 2 weeks, but it was so full of ups and downs. My emotions ranged from fear, to elation, to desperation, to happiness and back again. Everything seemed to happen so fast! When I finally let myself grow attached, they were gone. I regret thinking, "No, not now." or "How am I going to do this?" I want them back so badly.

Every time I look at my daughter I think about how I could have had two more beautiful souls in my life. I morn for their loss and I squeeze her a little bit tighter everyday.