Now that the heavy weight of despair has lifted or become accustomed to, I am trying to look at my situation is a new light and I am not sure I am making the best decision by having surgery anymore.
Some women live their whole lives with fibroids bigger than mine and suffer no ill effects. Now that the pregnancy hormones have left and my uterus has gone back down (minus the fibroid), the size of my stomach has subsided somewhat and I no longer feel as though the circulation is being compromised to my leg, I am wondering if I need the surgery.
I love my daughter and I want to give her the world. A big part of me wants to have more children but another part of me wonders if is only because, in my current state, I can't.
Before this ordeal, when someone asked me when I was planning on having more children, my answer was always, "when I win the lottery" and I resolved to the fact that Bean was likely going to be an only child unless life brought some big changes. The financial and personal struggles that led to this decision are still the same. Am I putting my wallet and my body through the stress of surgery just because of some selfish desire to leave the door open to my fertility, even if it's a door I may not walk through? Am I suffering from, "I want what I can't have?'
I was talking to a relative who said that she had six miscarriages. She got her fibroids treated twice and they kept coming back each time she got pregnant. She ended up having a hysterectomy. What if I have the surgery it doesn't do any good? This is a scary thought to me.
Part of me thinks, if I want another child, I could adopt. But then I think about waiting lists and home inspections and expenses and figure I would not qualify for a baby so should I be thinking about having another one?
I don't know. I am feeling apprehensive.
